Bad Apple

When you come across a bad apple in a work or other environment, you have two options: stay and get bullied or cut your losses and leave.

One of the toughest things that I have encountered is coming home to my family and trying to explain to them why I need to leave a new job (or other environment) that I just became a part of. It is because I can see there is a bully with whom I cannot avoid interacting and it is only going to get worse.

I hope that some of you have supportive families. In my family, if I came home with this news, I would hear that I am being too sensitive, that I couldn't possibly make that assessment so soon, and so on. But I know my instincts. I know them very well. So I stay in the environment because I am half-believing my spouse, who is unintentionally encouraging me to believe that I am imagining things on one hand and can tough it out either way on the other hand. My whole interaction with my spouse begs the question: even if I am right, what should I do? And I suspect that is where the real issue of contention lies.

In a nutshell, have a plan to deal with your bad apple when he or she comes along. I do not coincidentally call them a "bad apple". That is what they are and they are part of life. There will be another and another. Always have a game plan. And I believe the bottom line is to admit that you are in a bullying situation and nothing but a bullying situation, and then act accordingly.

Best of luck to all of you out there. I will be posting again about a recent bullying situation I had that caught me by surprise. But now, I am off to work. Until next time...........

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Better to Leave Than Stay

Underlying any discussion about workplace bullying is the basic question about whether to stay in the toxic work environment or leave. There are pros and cons of each. After much thought and reflection on the matter, I believe the best response is to leave. Some argue that the target of the bullying should stay as a showing that they will not be intimidated and bullied out of their job. Others argue that the target should leave and put it behind them as quickly as possible, before anymore emotional damage is done to the target (including increased stress, undermining of self-esteem, medical problems, etc.).

Ben Glass, author of Great Legal Marketing, Inc., wrote recently "all winners are accomplished quitters in that they have perfected the art of quitting everything that is holding them back from whatever it is they’ve set out to do." I thought this was a perfect quote for the readers of this blog. Indeed it illustrates my point well. Just because a bully's target "quits" his or her job, they are not really "quitters," rather the person is acting in his or her best interest. The person is actually acting in favor of furthering his or her personal and professional goals. A bully is a setback in everyone's life. As working professionals, we sought our jobs for many reasons, such as to pursue our passion, as a stepping stone toward a great professional goal, and so on. One of those goals was not to become the target of a bully.

So rest assured that if you chose to leave your toxic work environment behind you, rather than tough it out, you have one more reason to add to your list of mental reassurances that you did the right thing. You are a winner. You quit something that was holding you back from blossoming into your full personal and professional self. The longer you stay, the longer that you delay the recovery period and possibly regret or self-blame for not having responded as you believe you should have or as you believe would have been able to stop the behavior. A bully usually just must have his or her way. Let the bully sit in his or her self-responsibility, no matter what the outcome of that will be. In the meantime, you have moved on to brighter and better things!

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Niche for Lawyers?

Looks like workplace advocates are making progress, thanks in part to the recent Indiana Raess case. Let the Workplace Bullying blog know if your employment manual is updated with an anti-bullying policy!

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Witholding Narcissistic Supply

This is in response to the comment left on my last posting:

This situation actually involved a family member. To withdraw marcisstic supply, I put this person in my "margins" instead of my "center" so to speak. I didn't mistreat her, but I didn't look her in the eye anymore. She knew it and stopped because she didn't have an audience anymore. This is a tactic that involves some insight and interpersonal skill. You can do it. Believe me, people know it if you are not looking them in the eye. They are left with no choice but to go away and leave you alone. You are no longer "fun" to them. Does this help you? I hope it does! Good luck.

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Narcissism and Bullying

From time to time, I will address the issue of narcissism and bullying on this blog. For a long time I had no idea what narcissism was, beyond my own presumption that it must refer to one who is extremely conceited. According to my research, the main characteristic of narcissism is not conceit. It is oddness.

The narcissist wants the attention on himself or herself and will stop at nothing to acheive this. Have you ever known someone who will spark (i.e. instigate) a hostile exchange between two people, even in situations where neither of those two people is the narcissist? This is called a troublemaker or maybe a manipulator. Or perhaps you have known someone who will insult you to make you angry so they can achieve the end goal of being the center of attention? Or someone who will create the circumstances to lead you toward a certain natural response from you, only to pounce on the reaction that they were waiting for? This is a narcissist, at least by my understanding...

Many workplace bullies are narcissists. As I mentioned above, I had never seriously entertained the notion of narcissism until one entered my life during my adult years, not too long ago. So I did my research, and experimented with the best way to deal with my narcissist. I found that I had to withold from this person "narcisstic supply" from which they feed and thrive. This was very effective and the problem soon dissipated. Another way to think about this withdrawal of narcisstic supply is through the idea of drawing a strong, healthy boundary with this person. This is because boundaries is just what many narcissists lack. According to a recent article, Christie Brinkley's ex-hubby was a classic narcissist. Is your workplace bully a narcissist?

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Duty of Care?

I know that agents of an employer owe a duty of care to the employer and business partners owe a duty of care (among other duties) to the partnership and to one another. But do employers owe a duty of care to employees? I'm not so sure about that. I have not come across any law that suggests this, but I have not done any deeper research on the subject either, in all honesty. An article over at Pilton Sucks, titled Reader Contact, suggests that employers owe such duty to employees. I believe the author of this blog is writing from the U.K., not the USA where this blog's author is clattering away on her computer.

I don't think it is a coincidence that I cannot think of one duty that an employer owes an employee. This is not something that lawyers wants to teach lawyers. It is best left for many of us to go find out this information on our own. Perhaps there is an unspoken mantra to protect the employer, because that is the source of many lawyer's bread and butter.

By statute, employers in the U.S. must maintain a safe work environment for employees (OSHA), must allow for the re-hiring into a similar position of a soon-to-be-parent who needs time off for the arrival of a little one (FMLA), and must obey minimum wage laws (FLSA). Also under federal law are more protections if the employee is a member of a union (NLRA). There is even conflicting law as to whether the employer is liable for failing to provide a discrimination or harassment free workplace, even where the employee is a member of a protected class, provided the alleged perpetuator is not the employer. As for a duty of care or duty of loyalty flowing from an employer to an employee, I do not know if there is such a thing. Please enlighten me if you know!

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Workplace Bullying and Suicide

Up to 15% of suicides are related to workplace bullying. Wow. My first reaction was that these individuals could not be mentally stable to begin with. I am not saying that the bullying could not have been terrible and traumatic, but if a situation is upsetting you that much that you are contemplating suicide where you had never contemplated it before, QUIT! It is definitley time to find another job. Here is an exercise for you. Imagine yourself telling your mother about your job and that it is upsetting you so much that you do not want to live anymore. What would she say? She'll tell you to get the heck out of it! Read more here.

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